Dad; We think you're better than C's Jules and it's real sad that you've accepted that.
Me; Why does it matter? Why should it matter if I get the C's and I'm okay with it?
Mom; That's dumb. That's a bad idea. I don't support and you're going nowhere. You want to live in New York? YOU'RE GONNA LIVE IN A BOX IN A PIECE OF SHIT APARTMENT. You won't make it. It's dumb and does nothing but dissapoint me.
Dad; I don't know what you say it for. It's like beating a dead horse. She obviously has an attitude. It's no use. She won't listen.
Mom; Well, obviously. I don't and will not support this at all.
Dad; It's beating a dead horse! There's no use. Jules, if you're okay with C's FINE.
Me; Okay.


What the fuck? At what point, did they decide to exit me from building?
Yeah, I'm right here.
Go ahead and think I'm useless for my grades in life, OK. I know what you're saying. Stop.

YEAR IN REVIEW: Take the first sentence (or two) from the first post of each month of 2007. That's your year in review.

~

January:

February: Well, hi New Journal.

March: Well, LiveJournal has been suffeciently BORING this weeked.

April: Is Julia so lame as to resort to defining words for Biology on Spring Break?

May: Tim gave me Guitar Hero!!

June: My parents are finally catching on and they forced me to eat lunch.

July: This whole house arrest thing, i deserve it.

August: I really don't have much of an update. Except; I miss my girlfriend.

September: friday: it was a good birthday day, i suppose.

October: Park; with Trevor D. These are always the best days.

November: I'll get it together.

December: Please, spare ME some depression and hurt and sorrow and stick around.

Please, spare ME some depression and hurt and sorrow and stick around.
I love you more than words will ever be able to say.

So, I haven't really updated in a really long time.
Everything is doing pretty good, I guess. I mean, not in school of course.
My dad just told me that NM's are not okay in this house anymore. Which is understandable but I SERIOUSLY do not see myself improving so, I guess that's that. I mean, I will get my History and Geology grade up but that English one is very hopeless. Whatever. I just deal with punishment. Maybe they'll just get used to it.
Me and Trev are really good. And I'm just kind of trying to make each day smoother and smoother and so far it's been going okay.
My dad is turning into a drunk more and more everyday which sucks really hard. There's nothing good to say about it. :/
I never really see my sister and I haven't REALLY seen my mom in a little while too.
This whole Matt thing is something I've completely eliminated from my life, and my journals ARE public so if he wants to read he can. I really don't give a shit at all anymore.
I'm thinking about doing acid. And I'm pretty sure its happening soon.

Jeremiah's over.
:|? Haha. WEEEEIRD.

Honestly, what are you doing Matt?
Seriously, revenge? Hurt? Misery?
You want this all to come at one girl at one time?
Well, I can tell you one thing, it's not going to do shit.
Maybe she'll cry, maybe she'll suffer and maybe she'll hurt.
But in the end guess what? YOU STILL DON'T HAVE HER. SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU.
In the end, ooo you'll feel a little better because you put someone in complete pain but guess what? At the end of the day, you're falling asleep alone, single. You won't have anyone and it will be your fault.
You're what? 18 years old? THEN GROW THE FUCK UP.
This little game your playing is sheer TWELVE YEAR OLD.
Get over it, get over her. MOVE ON.
And yeah, this IS harassment Matt. All of it. You take it a couple steps further and your ass could end up on probation. And I will HAPPILY be by Catlin's side in getting you there.
And stop trying to act sooo fucking smart about it. You're little attitude isn't helping shit.
So, now that I've come at you what are you to do?
Call me names? Tell me all the hoorrrible things Catlin has said about me? Call me a whore, a slut?
Go ahead fucker. You won't get anywhere. I've gotten so used to people criticizing me this last six months, you won't affect me at all.
SO, GO. GO play your little game, go try and mess with everyones minds.
But keep in mind, your thousands of miles away, there's only so much you think you can do over a fucking screen. But you know, at the end of the day at least WE are able to drive to each others houses and be together and realize every little thing you say is a fucking lie.
Move out of your house, get off your ass and grow the fuck up and GET OVER IT. Move on.
You're such a coward. More than you think. Reading this comment, GO AHEAD. HIT ME. CALL ME NAMES. :D

no updates.
i've been really grounded.
just school stuff.
there's drama.
it sucks but we're getting through it and it's making trevor and i stronger than ever.
:]

You miss 6 hours of night school you get dropped from the class.
Trev was just informed he missed 7.
:|
Because of me.
I made him late and now, his graduation could be in jeapordy if he doesn't get this class next semester and make it everyday.
I feel like shit now. Wow.
And he's probbaly pretty mad at me.
I'm dumb, for real.

I'm in the library, but I'm supposed to be in Spanish.
I took a pass to the bathroom for a half hour.
Oh well.
I haven't found my camera yet, its making my really distressed.
I mean that thing is so amazing and i love it and its just been gone.
I hate this.
I got out of Saturday school, Trev's coming camping with me and I feel good about my Spanish test on Friday.


All is well.



'Cept for Catlin, I'm worried about her. :/
You know I'm here for you, girl.

that i could just find my camera
really, thats all i want.
where are you donniee??!!
i miss you so much.


today was an 8.
it was kind of an off day, but not bad.
it's me and trevs one month on thursday
we're hittin up in n out FOR SURE
haha
bye nowwww

high in the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
sippin on yellow draank
wiyth shades onnnn
and grass in the environment
and branches from all directions up above and little critters crawling around at your altitude
haaaaaaaaaaaa

-63$ phone charge
-Saturday School
-Pass English
-Pass World History
-Pass Geology
-Pass Geometry
-Lose weight


And all I can care about;

It's going to happen between Trevor and I.
We sort of planned it.
It was really cute, really special. It's so foreign to me and I'm really nervous. I don't ever get nervous with these types of things. EVER. I never have and I never thought I would but all of sudden just thinking about it, makes me all giggly and stupid and nervous. :/
Oh well. We were basically just cuddling in his bed and we were almost asleep and I was like "Trev?"
"hm?"
"do you think we should do it on monday?"
"yeah."
"i mean are you ready? and you're sure and everything? i don't want to get into this too fast or too early or whatever. this relationship thing is new to me too and i'm just trying to go about it the right way."
"no. i've thought about it alot and i definatly feel like you're the right person and i think we are both ready."
"okay. but that means we can't smoke on monday like we usually do. this has to be completely sober.
"i agree."
"and do you think we could make it all special and meaningful?"
"well, i think it already is special and meaningful but don't worry. I'll clean my room and everything."

:D haha.
wow. i'm really nervous now. but i'm excited too. i think we're making the right decision. i really feel like it will turn out alright. and it'll be completly safe too.

My dad's drunk again.
Someone want to tell me when he's going to follow through with stopping?

It'd be a nice help.

So, hi.
I've recieved some good news within the past couple of days.

I talked to Kels last night during the Creepy Concert.
"Kels, I hope it's getting a little less weird. Me and Trev, I mean."
"No, dude. It's not weird anymore. I actually think you guys are really cute."
"Really? Ah Kels, that's a huge weight lifted. Thank you soo much. We were actually holding off dating for a little while because we didn't want to make you uncomfortable or anything."
"You were? Wow. Well, no dude it's fine. I mean, you make him really really happy."
"I do?"
"Um, DUH."

:D:D:D. YAY.


Then I was laying upside down in my bed singing to Hellogoodbye and Shayla calls me.
"GUESS WHAT, J?"
"what?"
"Meg and Christian broke up."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS? ZOMG THIS IS AMAZINGGG."

YESYESYES. I feel like this 100 pound jacket has been taken off of me that's been on there since June. Maybe Christian can be officially gone for good? :D:D:D:D

K, so i have alot of homework to catch up on and I'm actually doing it today. :/
I swooped my report card from the mail earlier. I was bomb at it.
Kbye.

Trevor: I think we'll be together for a long time.
Me: Yeah, so do I.
Trevor: You're pretty. AND amazing. So, don't just think I like you for your looks.
Me: Okay. You're kinda cute too, I guess. :D:D


Hahaha.
I'm in over my headdd.
I owe hella money for my phone bill.
I'm so behind in classes.
And I need to do all my chores and clean my sheets.
I should be stressed out of my mind.
But if anyone's good at clearing my mind of all those dumb thoughts, it's Trev.
:]

I probably had nine or ten different dreams.
That was the best breakfast of my life.
Me and Trevor 'wrote' a poem together last night based on the city lights.
It was a really good night. I already miss Emily.
That was a really good high.

Giovanna had a mental breakdown today.
It was horrible to see.
I really do hate seeing that girl sad. But I'm really happy she came to me and that she knows she always can.
Catlin is trying to come out to her Mom.
That's a big deal. Her home life could improve so much.
Or it could worsen so much. There's no way to tell.
Good thing I'm staying up to see Emily and Scott. :D

Ahh. I love being with, hugging, laughing with, kissing Trevor Deschryverrrrr. :D

I don't if anyone gets this but I do.
It's been Four months and three days since the night I lost my virginity.
For four months and three days I could remember banging around in a closet.
For four months and three days I could remember staring at the blue light in Jesse's room and then being picked up.
For four months and three days I could remember bits and pieces of the worst night of my life.
Today I was sitting in Geometry wondering why I couldn't focus on my work.
All of a sudden I smell the stench of Derek's breath.
All of a sudden I feel the chill of being outside with no clothes on with him.
All of a sudden I can taste Jesse.
It had all come back to me at one second and I freaked out.
All of a sudden I can remember every single detail. I can remember what it felt like, how I felt about. I can remember crying when it was too much.
I can almost hear Derek telling me "5 more minutes baby".
I can hear myself saying "What about Meg, Christian?"
Saying, "Derek, don't you have a girlfriend?".
I can remember it all. I hate this. I hate it so much. I still feel like a slut, I still feel like a piece of meat the chewed on and spit out. I still feel like the drunk girl that fucking asked for it.
I know this sounds like I'm complaining but I'm just trying to explain the best way I can how this is changing me.
I sat in Geometry and stared at the whiteboard for 37 minutes.
Thinking, Remembering every single bit of it all.
I can hear myself screaming, crying when Derek took it too far.
I can still remember watching my puke swirl around in the toilet and watching Christian film it.
All of a sudden, at 1:45 this afternoon I can remember every single minute of the worst night.
I was thinking about it earlier and as much as I do, to be honest, love sex if I could choose, I'd rather be a virgin, in a second.

I just wish I wouldn't feel the chills I got when I went outside with Derek with nothing on for a cigarette.
I wish I couldn't still taste Jesse.
I wish I couldn't still hear Christian telling me to go for it.
I wish I couldn't still smell Derek breathing.

I wish I couldn't remember. I wish I never took that bottle.